Dreams vs Priorities

Some may have noticed that an entry has disappeared. Due to things that have happened which have been really upsetting the last article I wrote was removed. I’ve spoken before about the fact that living with a complex and sensitive dog can need a large amount of acceptance. Recent events added further highlight to that. There may be things we have to admit we can't ever do while sharing our lives with these special dogs. This is still a really sore subject for me at the moment but there is a lesson in it and so I’m going to share what happened. 

I still miss my opinionated old man!

In March 2019, we lost our senior dog, Red. I knew for a long time that I would want to add a second dog in to our family again as two dogs has always felt like a great fit. It took two years from knowing that we would want to do this to actually seeking out another dog. Due to Finn’s issues with other dogs, particularly adult dogs, we decided that the least stressful option for him would be a puppy, given that he seemed more curious than worried by puppies when he caught sight of any.

Careful searching found a litter of Border Collies, around three weeks old when I contacted the breeder. We arranged to visit and view the litter at five weeks old. We had the pick of three puppies – a tricolour bitch puppy, a blue merle bitch with two blue eyes, and a tricolour boy. The little male seemed quite happy to watch what everyone else was doing while chewing his toy, but also happy for attention when approached and ready to play. When picked up, he put his little paws up around my neck and cuddled in (admittedly, he then started chewing my earrings…) and stole my heart.

Three weeks later, we left Finn with one of his favourite people (my Mum), and went to collect our new family member and bring him home. Once he’d had a few minutes to settle in his own little area that we’d fenced off with a puppy pen for safety, we brought Finn back to see the new inhabitant.

Finn did really well – he had quick look and a bit of a sniff, then went to settled himself down on one of his beds. We never pressed him to interact and he could take himself anywhere in the house as the mood took him. Everything looked promising as he was gradually getting closer and closer, even choosing to hop up on the sofa for a snooze where the puppy was cuddled up in my husband’s lap on the second day. The puppy was showing promise of growing into the dog we were hoping he’d be, bold, confident, and loving attention from the people around him.

On the third day after we brought the puppy home, things changed. Although Finn was bringing himself voluntarily to the area where I had the puppy, he’d taken a big step backwards in confidence. It may well be written off as anthropomorphism, but I do wonder if Finn thought he was missing interesting stuff if he took himself off away from where we had the puppy when he was sleeping.

We made sure Finn got plenty of one-on-one attention from us, taking it in turns to be with him or puppy through the day, and then we’d sit and watch something in the evening, with the puppy asleep safely in his pen. Finn normally takes himself into the kitchen or his bed the other end of the room. Now he was spending more time right with us. If the puppy woke up and so much as glanced at him, he started to growl. He never showed any signs of aggressive behaviour – he’d vocalise and then immediately turn away. There never looked to be any real sign of danger for the puppy.

For that first week after collecting the puppy and bringing him home, my husband was on holiday from work, to get the two dogs integrated. Finn usually settles with meeting new things in a couple of days, so we thought 8 days would see them more content together. Then he was due to go back to work (staying away from Monday to Friday) leaving me here to continue with the dogs alone.

The thing was with that backward step on the third day and the lowered confidence it became apparent that Finn was struggling with the puppy in his home. With plenty of time and attention alone and careful increase of proximity and time together, we could probably have got him past it and to accept the new family member. With my husband going back to work, I couldn’t give him the extra time that needed for that on my own. A young puppy is a lot of work and needs a lot of supervision and management. To be able to provide that, I wouldn’t be able to give Finn the attention and support that he would need which goes way above what a ‘normal’ dog would require.

For more than two years, I have dreamed of having another dog, for Finn to settle and have a playmate, which I’m still sure he could have done with enough time and people around to meet his extra needs. I didn’t have that time or those extra hands to be able to meet the needs of both dogs. That left me facing a decision.

Did I forge on and hope that somehow it would all work out, that one or both dogs wouldn’t end up with some kind of emotional turmoil from the situation? Alternatively, should I pick one of the dogs? Which one - the new puppy who might grow into the dog of my dreams? Or the complicated boy who needs understanding and help from the people around him?

I knew I had to pick, and there wasn’t really a choice to make. A bold, confident puppy can find a good home elsewhere, while my sensitive boy only has a few people in his world who he trusts. My long dreamed of and already much loved puppy returned to his breeder. I chose Finn. He was telling me in the only way he could that he was struggling to cope. In the times when he’d normally be happy off by himself, he was seeking comfort but that brought him closer to the cause of his stress and made the situation worse. He tried so hard for us, tried to settle nearby and would take every chance to sniff the puppy pen when empty, sniff the puppy when sleeping, as I walked past carrying the puppy after toileting etc., but he just couldn’t cope enough to relax.

No matter how much it hurt to take that puppy back and give up on the dream of another dog, I had to do what my complex boy needed. I had to accept that, had to accept that he may never be able to live with another dog, even when introduced as a puppy. Finn is my first responsibility, his world is small enough that I will not do or tolerate anything that makes his life harder.

That face is just irresistible 😍

While I feel so sad about what could have been I will never regret choosing the boy who needs me more, the one who asks nothing more than to be by my side and to be loved. He is my beautiful blue boy, my heart and soul and, when the rest of the sting has gone, he will be here with me to offer a paw (or a slightly soggy squeaky toy) and give me all the comfort I need.

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My gorgeous boy has taught me so much in the time we've been together. On 9th October at 6 p.m. BST I will be sharing some of those lessons as I take a look at canine reactive behaviours through the journey Finn has taken me on. There is a presentation, followed by a Q & A session. There's a limited number of tickets at £15 each, so make sure to buy if you want to be there!